Tuesday, June 26, 2012
The worst part about pepper is that it's surprising. I'll look at some food and go "yum, what a treat" but then only after I taste it do I discover it was bathed in pepper sprinkles. By then my mouth is burning and I have to run to a fountain or a puddle because I don't drink water with meals. I drink warm milk like a cat.
Before I was smart I ordered pepper steak at a restaurant. At the time, I thought pepper steak was just a saying, like this steak really has some "pep" to it. Little did I know that some chef dipped my entire filet in a pepper vat and I was forced to throw it away. I went hungry that night. Very hungry indeed.
When waiters ask me if I want pepper on things at restaurants I snarl at them. I never get asked if I want extra ice cream or candy but waiters constantly offer to cover my food in flames. Maybe they want to ruin the chef's meal because they dreamed of being a chef once but then they didn't get into the food academy so they became jealous all the time.
Are people all playing a joke on me? Does everyone secretly hate pepper too? Will someone sneak pepper into my chips when I'm not looking? These are the questions that keep me up at night. I also wonder about birds.
I don't understand where pepper comes from. Steak comes from cows, cheese doodles are cheese plus doodle, and pepper is what? Ground up nuts with spice on them? No one has ever known.
I don't understand why salt got grouped with pepper. Salt is great. I can never have enough and I never do. Pepper is like a friendless bully that makes salt go everywhere with him and salt is too nice to resist.
Imagine how mad you would be if it rained pepper. Now think how food feels.
Fuck you pepper.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
You know what I hate? Soup. I have never finished a bowl of soup in my life and I never will. Why? Because soup doesn’t make any sense. Put hot water in a cup and I will drink it. Put noodles in a bowl and I will eat it. Combine them both in a bowl and dinner is ruined. It is impossible to eat and drink at the same time but soup thinks you can. Just have noodles, or just have water. Don’t be so greedy.
Nobody truly knows how to eat soup. Everyone dips their oversized spoons in and starts slurping, but people just make a mess and don’t finish. When I am served soup I excuse myself to read comics in a bookstore and then return once the soup has evaporated. People sometimes ask where I went but I am too mysterious to answer.
Nobody can describe the process of taking in soup. Do you eat soup? Do you drink soup? Do you slurp soup? Nobody has ever asked. People just say finish your soup and shutup for once. Even if you are making a good point about soup.
People like to put some real snazzy ingredients in their soups and try to give it to me. Here is a conversation that I have every day:
“Oh you’ll just love this!”
“What is it?”
“It’s soup with cranberries and wheatgrass and crab meat.”
“You’re wrong and I won’t eat it.”
“Just try it.”
“If I try it and don’t like it, will you make me something else?”
“No, all we have is soup because we haven’t put much effort into this meal.”
“Excuse me madam.” (Then I run to a bookstore)
I also hate soup because when you are sick, parents are always like "go have soup." So then you should say "Ah yes, nothing makes diseases go away like a hot bowl of shit. Bye!"
Chefs are always saying "soup or salad?" but what they are really saying is "trash or garbage?" If you are too lazy to go throw out your leaves and warm water you shouldn't have bought that restaurant.
Heated up water is something a baby would order.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
You know what I hate? Stuffy nose. It's weird and confusing. If my body is fighting germs why does it need to cut off my nose air and change my voice around. Since a germ is trying to start sickness you would think a brisk breeze quickly inhaled would move it around and make its job harder. But a body thinks "oh I'll just close up a nose hole and no more will get in." Wrong. The body has just created a whole area for the germ to live in where it won't be bothered by gusts. If I want to get rid of an unwanted guest I don't turn up the heat and start burning all my logs. I open the windows and throw crumbs out the door.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
You know what I hate? Wind. It blows at me too much and pushes me around like an invisible bully. I just want to walk down the street to buy peach Snapple but wind ruins my day and makes me punch at the air and look like a dumb boy.
You know what I hate? Salad. It tastes stupid and I have to use too many napkins when I'm munching on it. Whenever I am done with a salad here is my reaction:
Friday, July 30, 2010
You know what I hate? Chinos. I hate them when they're baggy and I hate them when they're slim. I hate them when they have a crease or even at the gym. Boom - Poetry.