Friday, July 30, 2010


You know what I hate? Chinos. I hate them when they're baggy and I hate them when they're slim. I hate them when they have a crease or even at the gym. Boom - Poetry.

The reason why chinos are horrible is that they are pointless. If I need to wear a nice pair of pants I will put on jeans. You can wear jeans anywhere and look like a proper one.

Moms really like chinos and think you need to wear them to restaurants. But you don't. Jeans are famous enough now that you can wear them anywhere. Moms think that jeans mean that you are a slacker who doesn't work, but the problem with moms is that they are moms and don't realize that chinos make you look like a simple child who's really excited for 4th grade to start.

You know when you see some lummox ambling down the street dressed in a little shirt tucked into his chinos? You know how his penny loafers match his pants? You know how you have to cross the street to avoid his bulbous chin and beady eyes? Well good I'm glad we're on the same page and have common reactions to things. We should hang out.

Another stupid thing about chinos is their name. Chinos. What a stupid name that is. Some people call them khakis which I also hate. They should be called brown pants. Or brownies. But I wouldn't want to ruin something great like actual brownies by making me think of chinos when I'm eating them. So let's stick with brown pants. Here is a way to respond to someone when you see them wearing chinos.

"Nice brown pants you miserable piece of human garbage."

I'm throwing out my old chinos.

Thursday, July 29, 2010


You know what I hate? Saltwater. What a waste of water saltwater is. The earth is covered with giant awesome water pools, but you can't drink it, and it crinkles your skin, and makes your cuts burn. What a joke that is. Why can't fish just swim in regular good water? Probably because fish hate us. And the biggest screw you that fish do to us is that some fish do live in real water. But a bunch of asshole fish couldn't handle it so now I have to suffer.

All I do when I'm at the beach is stare at a bunch of water that I want to drink. This makes me very mad. When I go to the ice cream store I stare at a bunch of ice cream that I want to eat and then I do. Saltwater makes me look like an idiot.

Also saltwater is always too cold even in the summer. All I want to do is cool off and instead I am frozen solid the minute I step in it. Being hot and frozen at the same time is not easy to do but saltwater pulls it off and then adds making my cuts burn. Everything about the beach is designed to make me want to go in the water, and everything about the water is designed to make me leave it.

I really have nothing against most fish, but it pisses me off that they always swim away when I try to touch them. They're so arrogant. But I blame the saltwater for this more than the fish. Saltwater made them think they are better than me, so they won't let me pet them. I think we can all agree that going into a warm ocean with no salt in order to pet a bunch of fish would be awesome, but saltwater won't let us. What an outrage that is.

The more I think about saltwater, the angrier I get.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


You know what I hate? Sunscreen. I hate putting it on, I hate wearing it, I hate buying it, and I hate looking at people who have it on. I just want to go to the beach, and not have to worry about some stupid star reddening my cheeks. Thus I don't wear sunscreen. In order to teach the star and my skin a lesson.

Everyone likes to share what SPF they wear with the world. "I like 30, that keeps the sun off me" some jerk would say. Or "I'm a 45 man," some cretin will offer. Or even "I like 60, cuz I'm a silly old biddy," some biddy will declare. All these people stink because no one knows what they're talking about. Except me.

Here is a guide for what the different SPFs mean:
15 - Wear a hat
30 - Stay inside
45 - Never leave

People should just go in the sun and get burnt. Your skin will slowly get used to it. And even if it doesn't it will help future generations by weeding getting burnt out of our DNA. Science!

You know who doesn't wear sunscreen? Dogs. Because they don't give a shit. Even hairless dogs never wear sunscreen.

If you believe in God you must realize that God made the sun to burn cheeks, and that man made sunscreen as an act of war against God. So you probably shouldn't wear it. If you don't believe in God then why wear sunscreen, because nothing matters.

I'd rather be burnt than greasy.

Screw you sunscreen.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


You know what I hate? Picnics. Picnics are a waste of time and energy. I don't understand why in order to have lunch I need to go sit in the dirt with a bunch of squirrels. If you ever go on a picnic with me you will hear me complain about the following things:


A much better way to have lunch is indoors by yourself with the air conditioning on. This way you can do what you want and bugs and squirrels won't try to steal whatever you are eating. Although in your case it is probably an omelette which even bugs wouldn't like.

When someone asks you if you would like to have a picnic here is how you should respond:

"I would like to go on a picnic with you but I have something better to do and that is anything."

This doesn't help spare their feelings, but you won't be asked to go on any more picnics. They will also probably tell people that you have a lot going on in your life. This is because picnic people don't understand regular people.

Picnic people don't always give up easily. They tell you, "Oh it will be so fun, we'll have food, and soda, and blankets, and probably something dumb like a salad." I don't like that stuff. It would be much more enticing if they said there would be "video games, and carnival rides and fireworks that you were allowed to use by yourself." That is a picnic I would go on.

Don't invite me to picnics.

Monday, July 26, 2010


You know what I hate? Omelettes. They are the worst. Here's the idea: let's take something awesome - scrambled eggs - and totally mess it up by throwing a bunch of nonsense inside them. If you like tomatoes go ahead and eat them, just don't put them in my eggs.

Here's what should be on every menu at a restaurant that serves breakfast:
scrambled eggs with toast

If you want to screw up the great menu mentioned above with a bunch of stupid omelettes than fine. But make sure I can get my stuff too. People who work at restaurants are too proud of their menus. Here is a conversation that takes place between restaurant people:

"Hey the new menus arrived today."
"Great. Did you do what I told you to do and put a bunch of stupid, exotic garbage like omelettes filled with bark, dirt and tomatoes?"
(They kiss)

Here's a tip. If a baby would like the food - put it on the menu. Babies have good taste in food. Mainly because their palettes haven't been poisoned by food that no one should like. If you gave a baby an omelette it would cry and scream.

I hate omelettes too.

Friday, July 23, 2010


You know what I hate? Sleep. Sleep is a waste of time that could be spent doing awesome stuff. Instead I have to go to bed, and go to sleep, and wake up to a bright shiny day that I want no part of.

People are too happy about going to sleep. They put on their little clothes and their little snooze hat and rest their stupid head on their dumb pillow. They think they can just sleep it up any time they want. But I don't like that. They should stay up and do stuff with me. I hate going to sleep because I am a lot of fun.

Here is a list of things we could do together if you didn't go to sleep:

Yarn games
Hose fights
Contraption Construction
Street Bowling
Leaf Ripping
Mincing and Munching

These things are all fun, but you need more than one person. Maybe if you didn't waste so much time sleeping we could hang out at 3AM and do them, but you probably won't. In a way this is all on you.

Beep, beep, I don't like sleep.


You know what I hate? Slippers. Slippers are the worst. They are pointless and dumb. "Look at me slipping around in some slippers" is something people wearing slippers would say. They might also say "I am just lounging around in slippers because my feet are cold." What an asshole that person is. Here's an idea - just put on some socks. Socks are something that I do not hate. In fact socks are one of my favorite things in the world. They would never just slip off your feet. They are made to stay on, like all good footwear. Also, everyone looks better in a nice pair of sturdy socks.

Slipper wearing folk think that socks are bad because they can't wear them outside. Or even that they don't want to get them dirty. Here is how to respond when slipper people make these points

a) Wear shoes when going outside
b) Stop walking around in dirt

Slipper people all have tremendous egos, so they probably will not listen to this advice. But you should tell them this every time you see them.

To sum up:

1. Slippers are dumb
2. Socks are great
3. People who wear slippers are assholes

I really hate slippers.