Tuesday, June 26, 2012


You know what I hate? Pepper. Pepper doesn't just ruin meals, it sets fire to them and then melts your mouth off. I honestly don't even understand what it tastes like. Dirt? Ants? Metal? All I know is that it is spicy and bad. Everyone says they like it but I think they're lying to impress girls.

The worst part about pepper is that it's surprising. I'll look at some food and go "yum, what a treat" but then only after I taste it do I discover it was bathed in pepper sprinkles. By then my mouth is burning and I have to run to a fountain or a puddle because I don't drink water with meals. I drink warm milk like a cat.

Before I was smart I ordered pepper steak at a restaurant. At the time, I thought pepper steak was just a saying, like this steak really has some "pep" to it. Little did I know that some chef dipped my entire filet in a pepper vat and I was forced to throw it away. I went hungry that night. Very hungry indeed.

When waiters ask me if I want pepper on things at restaurants I snarl at them. I never get asked if I want extra ice cream or candy but waiters constantly offer to cover my food in flames. Maybe they want to ruin the chef's meal because they dreamed of being a chef once but then they didn't get into the food academy so they became jealous all the time.

Are people all playing a joke on me? Does everyone secretly hate pepper too? Will someone sneak pepper into my chips when I'm not looking? These are the questions that keep me up at night. I also wonder about birds.

I don't understand where pepper comes from. Steak comes from cows, cheese doodles are cheese plus doodle, and pepper is what? Ground up nuts with spice on them? No one has ever known.

I don't understand why salt got grouped with pepper. Salt is great. I can never have enough and I never do. Pepper is like a friendless bully that makes salt go everywhere with him and salt is too nice to resist.

Imagine how mad you would be if it rained pepper. Now think how food feels.

Fuck you pepper.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


You know what I hate? Soup. I have never finished a bowl of soup in my life and I never will. Why? Because soup doesn’t make any sense. Put hot water in a cup and I will drink it. Put noodles in a bowl and I will eat it. Combine them both in a bowl and dinner is ruined. It is impossible to eat and drink at the same time but soup thinks you can. Just have noodles, or just have water. Don’t be so greedy.

Nobody truly knows how to eat soup. Everyone dips their oversized spoons in and starts slurping, but people just make a mess and don’t finish. When I am served soup I excuse myself to read comics in a bookstore and then return once the soup has evaporated. People sometimes ask where I went but I am too mysterious to answer.

Nobody can describe the process of taking in soup. Do you eat soup? Do you drink soup? Do you slurp soup? Nobody has ever asked. People just say finish your soup and shutup for once. Even if you are making a good point about soup.

People like to put some real snazzy ingredients in their soups and try to give it to me. Here is a conversation that I have every day:

“Oh you’ll just love this!”

“What is it?”

“It’s soup with cranberries and wheatgrass and crab meat.”

“You’re wrong and I won’t eat it.”

“Just try it.”

“If I try it and don’t like it, will you make me something else?”

“No, all we have is soup because we haven’t put much effort into this meal.”

“Excuse me madam.” (Then I run to a bookstore)

I also hate soup because when you are sick, parents are always like "go have soup." So then you should say "Ah yes, nothing makes diseases go away like a hot bowl of shit. Bye!"

Chefs are always saying "soup or salad?" but what they are really saying is "trash or garbage?" If you are too lazy to go throw out your leaves and warm water you shouldn't have bought that restaurant.

Heated up water is something a baby would order.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Stuffy Nose

You know what I hate? Stuffy nose. It's weird and confusing. If my body is fighting germs why does it need to cut off my nose air and change my voice around. Since a germ is trying to start sickness you would think a brisk breeze quickly inhaled would move it around and make its job harder. But a body thinks "oh I'll just close up a nose hole and no more will get in." Wrong. The body has just created a whole area for the germ to live in where it won't be bothered by gusts. If I want to get rid of an unwanted guest I don't turn up the heat and start burning all my logs. I open the windows and throw crumbs out the door.

People think stuffy nose is a reason to not do things, but they are just looking for an excuse to be boring. Here are some places you can be while stuffy nosed:

1. Outdoors
2. Indoors
3. Carnivals

* If you also have a runny nose please stay from my carnival. You'll ruin it.

One of life's great mysteries is how no matter how many times you blow a stuffy nose it always fills up again. Even if you did it a million times in 10 minutes. Nothing else in nature does this. When a chicken lays an egg and a crocodile steals it, the chicken doesn't just immediately get filled up with a new egg. It needs to find a rooster and have it put a new egg in it. When a bee makes honey and a bear steals it, the bee doesn't just plop out more honey. It has to go to flowers to find more. Even when a fish makes seaweed, and then a chef grabs it for some gross salad, it takes hours for the fish to release more weed. I could go on and on!

I also hate how one nostril gets stuffed and then the other isn't. Then I have to watch people do that thing where they hold down one nostril and blow out the other. Those people are garbage.

One time in 7th grade this kid I know always had a stuffy nose. We all thought he was just a dirty maggot but he was actually sniffing rubber cement. Turns out he was a pretty cool guy.

I got this stuffy nose from petting too many dogs.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


You know what I hate? Soda. Regular brown soda, club soda, soda pop, whatever the hell Sprite is, soda is just the worst. It tastes syrupy and weird, and a bit like liquified candy which sounds great on paper but in reality stinks.

But the worst part about soda is its most inexplicable part: bubbles. There is no reason to put bubbles in any drink for any reason. Bubbles give people hiccups, and fill your throat with unneeded air, and make me take small tiny gulps and attempt to burp. You know what burping is? Your body saying "actually the amount of air I have now is sufficient, I don't need to drink extra air you stupid asshole."

Why would anyone think putting bubbles in a drink would make it better? Bubbles are tasteless and unnecessary. In fact this post would be about how much I hate bubbles except for the fact that bubbles in every other aspect of life are fun and hilarious. Kids always have fun blowing bubbles but only idiot children who dress in neon want to drink that bubble liquid.

Another thing horrible about soda is that people who have boring parties always say "there will be soda there, thus you can come over and drink it." Soda is not enough of a good reason to have a party. A good reason to have a party is because your parents are moving out of their house and they want you to have a big bonfire in their backyard made up of all their old furniture, and there's a huge trampoline that's not close to the bonfire, and also there is a ping pong table. A bad reason to have a party is because you bought Pepsi and Tostitos, even though Tostitos are pretty good.

Personally I am a milk man myself, in the sense that when I am not drinking water or booze I am drinking milk. Milk has never once made me hiccup because it knows it is delicious enough on its own, and doesn't need any ridiculous bells and whistles like soda does. If someone put bubbles in milk you would punch them or I would.

Here is a joke about soda that you can use:
What did soda say when it crossed the street?
Run me over, for I am garbage

Burp, burp, soda is for twerps.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


You know what I hate? Wind. It blows at me too much and pushes me around like an invisible bully. I just want to walk down the street to buy peach Snapple but wind ruins my day and makes me punch at the air and look like a dumb boy.

A lot of people think wind is good because it cools you down when it is hot out. But what they're really saying is just that heat is bad. If it was always cold out like it should be nobody would like wind.

I also hate wind because it messes up hair. People like to take a little time out of their stupid day to coif their strands but wind doesn't care. It even makes bald people people seem balder because it picks their wisps up and throws them around. Bald people should hate wind but most probably like it because they are always sweating.

Most dogs hate wind because it blows their ear flaps up. And I agree with most dogs.

When I'm reading the newspaper outside and the wind folds it over on me and makes it hard to hold up that is complete garbage. I WANT TO READ ABOUT LIEV SCHREIBER WIND. Wind hates when people read because it thinks that nature is super interesting even though it isn't.

One time my friend Mokey took mushrooms and was feeling sick. Then a gust of wind blew at him and he felt better and said "it was like God sent that wind." What an idiot Mokey is.

The main problem with wind is that it's really insecure. I have only a slight problem with a gentle breeze but wind thinks it has something to prove so it blows my visor off even when I wear it backwards.

I hate the wind and the wind hates me.


You know what I hate? Salad. It tastes stupid and I have to use too many napkins when I'm munching on it. Whenever I am done with a salad here is my reaction:

"Well I'm glad those leaves are gone."

This has been said before but it bears repeating. Eating leaves is really dumb. It doesn't even matter how much sauce you put on them. P.S. Salad dressing should be called salad sauce because it's more accurate and grosser.

You know what has never been heard post salad ingestion? "Wow I'm satisfied." Because salads satisfy no one except makers of salads. People who make salads are always very proud of themselves for putting a bunch of random stuff in a bowl. Making salads is easy, I could make a million salads in 2 days if I wanted to but I hate salads so I won't.

Another horrible thing about salads is that they come before your meal thus extending the amount of time you have to spend in a restaurant. I want to be in and out of a restaurant in 30 minutes tops. But every time I go out to dinner some scoundrels will order a salad and make me wait extra time for my burger. Then I have to listen to them discuss their salad:

"I like this sauce do you?" "This sauce is great, but I really like these carrots." "Oh do you because I love to hear you munching on them." "I like to wipe my mouth with a napkin."

This conversation never ends. That is why I always bring a book or Magic cards to dinner, that way I can do something to drown out their insipid salad based ramblings.

When you are a kid you think a great meal would be candy and popcorn and chicken nuggets and hotdogs and burgers smushed together. Then you get older and try it a bunch of different times and realize things should be eaten on their own. Salad people don't get this. They are a greedy folk.

If I saw a salad on the street I would punch it.

Friday, July 30, 2010


You know what I hate? Chinos. I hate them when they're baggy and I hate them when they're slim. I hate them when they have a crease or even at the gym. Boom - Poetry.

The reason why chinos are horrible is that they are pointless. If I need to wear a nice pair of pants I will put on jeans. You can wear jeans anywhere and look like a proper one.

Moms really like chinos and think you need to wear them to restaurants. But you don't. Jeans are famous enough now that you can wear them anywhere. Moms think that jeans mean that you are a slacker who doesn't work, but the problem with moms is that they are moms and don't realize that chinos make you look like a simple child who's really excited for 4th grade to start.

You know when you see some lummox ambling down the street dressed in a little shirt tucked into his chinos? You know how his penny loafers match his pants? You know how you have to cross the street to avoid his bulbous chin and beady eyes? Well good I'm glad we're on the same page and have common reactions to things. We should hang out.

Another stupid thing about chinos is their name. Chinos. What a stupid name that is. Some people call them khakis which I also hate. They should be called brown pants. Or brownies. But I wouldn't want to ruin something great like actual brownies by making me think of chinos when I'm eating them. So let's stick with brown pants. Here is a way to respond to someone when you see them wearing chinos.

"Nice brown pants you miserable piece of human garbage."

I'm throwing out my old chinos.