Salad

You know what I hate? Salad. It tastes stupid and I have to use too many napkins when I'm munching on it. Whenever I am done with a salad here is my reaction:

"Well I'm glad those leaves are gone."

This has been said before but it bears repeating. Eating leaves is really dumb. It doesn't even matter how much sauce you put on them. P.S. Salad dressing should be called salad sauce because it's more accurate and grosser.

You know what has never been heard post salad ingestion? "Wow I'm satisfied." Because salads satisfy no one except makers of salads. People who make salads are always very proud of themselves for putting a bunch of random stuff in a bowl. Making salads is easy, I could make a million salads in 2 days if I wanted to but I hate salads so I won't.

Another horrible thing about salads is that they come before your meal thus extending the amount of time you have to spend in a restaurant. I want to be in and out of a restaurant in 30 minutes tops. But every time I go out to dinner some scoundrels will order a salad and make me wait extra time for my burger. Then I have to listen to them discuss their salad:

"I like this sauce do you?" "This sauce is great, but I really like these carrots." "Oh do you because I love to hear you munching on them." "I like to wipe my mouth with a napkin."

This conversation never ends. That is why I always bring a book or Magic cards to dinner, that way I can do something to drown out their insipid salad based ramblings.

When you are a kid you think a great meal would be candy and popcorn and chicken nuggets and hotdogs and burgers smushed together. Then you get older and try it a bunch of different times and realize things should be eaten on their own. Salad people don't get this. They are a greedy folk.

If I saw a salad on the street I would punch it.