Picnics

You know what I hate? Picnics. Picnics are a waste of time and energy. I don't understand why in order to have lunch I need to go sit in the dirt with a bunch of squirrels. If you ever go on a picnic with me you will hear me complain about the following things:

Heat

Grass

Morons

Squirrels

A much better way to have lunch is indoors by yourself with the air conditioning on. This way you can do what you want and bugs and squirrels won't try to steal whatever you are eating. Although in your case it is probably an omelette which even bugs wouldn't like.

When someone asks you if you would like to have a picnic here is how you should respond:

"I would like to go on a picnic with you but I have something better to do and that is anything."

This doesn't help spare their feelings, but you won't be asked to go on any more picnics. They will also probably tell people that you have a lot going on in your life. This is because picnic people don't understand regular people.

Picnic people don't always give up easily. They tell you, "Oh it will be so fun, we'll have food, and soda, and blankets, and probably something dumb like a salad." I don't like that stuff. It would be much more enticing if they said there would be "video games, and carnival rides and fireworks that you were allowed to use by yourself." That is a picnic I would go on.

Don't invite me to picnics.