Tuesday, August 10, 2010


You know what I hate? Soda. Regular brown soda, club soda, soda pop, whatever the hell Sprite is, soda is just the worst. It tastes syrupy and weird, and a bit like liquified candy which sounds great on paper but in reality stinks.

But the worst part about soda is its most inexplicable part: bubbles. There is no reason to put bubbles in any drink for any reason. Bubbles give people hiccups, and fill your throat with unneeded air, and make me take small tiny gulps and attempt to burp. You know what burping is? Your body saying "actually the amount of air I have now is sufficient, I don't need to drink extra air you stupid asshole."

Why would anyone think putting bubbles in a drink would make it better? Bubbles are tasteless and unnecessary. In fact this post would be about how much I hate bubbles except for the fact that bubbles in every other aspect of life are fun and hilarious. Kids always have fun blowing bubbles but only idiot children who dress in neon want to drink that bubble liquid.

Another thing horrible about soda is that people who have boring parties always say "there will be soda there, thus you can come over and drink it." Soda is not enough of a good reason to have a party. A good reason to have a party is because your parents are moving out of their house and they want you to have a big bonfire in their backyard made up of all their old furniture, and there's a huge trampoline that's not close to the bonfire, and also there is a ping pong table. A bad reason to have a party is because you bought Pepsi and Tostitos, even though Tostitos are pretty good.

Personally I am a milk man myself, in the sense that when I am not drinking water or booze I am drinking milk. Milk has never once made me hiccup because it knows it is delicious enough on its own, and doesn't need any ridiculous bells and whistles like soda does. If someone put bubbles in milk you would punch them or I would.

Here is a joke about soda that you can use:
What did soda say when it crossed the street?
Run me over, for I am garbage

Burp, burp, soda is for twerps.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


You know what I hate? Wind. It blows at me too much and pushes me around like an invisible bully. I just want to walk down the street to buy peach Snapple but wind ruins my day and makes me punch at the air and look like a dumb boy.

A lot of people think wind is good because it cools you down when it is hot out. But what they're really saying is just that heat is bad. If it was always cold out like it should be nobody would like wind.

I also hate wind because it messes up hair. People like to take a little time out of their stupid day to coif their strands but wind doesn't care. It even makes bald people people seem balder because it picks their wisps up and throws them around. Bald people should hate wind but most probably like it because they are always sweating.

Most dogs hate wind because it blows their ear flaps up. And I agree with most dogs.

When I'm reading the newspaper outside and the wind folds it over on me and makes it hard to hold up that is complete garbage. I WANT TO READ ABOUT LIEV SCHREIBER WIND. Wind hates when people read because it thinks that nature is super interesting even though it isn't.

One time my friend Mokey took mushrooms and was feeling sick. Then a gust of wind blew at him and he felt better and said "it was like God sent that wind." What an idiot Mokey is.

The main problem with wind is that it's really insecure. I have only a slight problem with a gentle breeze but wind thinks it has something to prove so it blows my visor off even when I wear it backwards.

I hate the wind and the wind hates me.


You know what I hate? Salad. It tastes stupid and I have to use too many napkins when I'm munching on it. Whenever I am done with a salad here is my reaction:

"Well I'm glad those leaves are gone."

This has been said before but it bears repeating. Eating leaves is really dumb. It doesn't even matter how much sauce you put on them. P.S. Salad dressing should be called salad sauce because it's more accurate and grosser.

You know what has never been heard post salad ingestion? "Wow I'm satisfied." Because salads satisfy no one except makers of salads. People who make salads are always very proud of themselves for putting a bunch of random stuff in a bowl. Making salads is easy, I could make a million salads in 2 days if I wanted to but I hate salads so I won't.

Another horrible thing about salads is that they come before your meal thus extending the amount of time you have to spend in a restaurant. I want to be in and out of a restaurant in 30 minutes tops. But every time I go out to dinner some scoundrels will order a salad and make me wait extra time for my burger. Then I have to listen to them discuss their salad:

"I like this sauce do you?" "This sauce is great, but I really like these carrots." "Oh do you because I love to hear you munching on them." "I like to wipe my mouth with a napkin."

This conversation never ends. That is why I always bring a book or Magic cards to dinner, that way I can do something to drown out their insipid salad based ramblings.

When you are a kid you think a great meal would be candy and popcorn and chicken nuggets and hotdogs and burgers smushed together. Then you get older and try it a bunch of different times and realize things should be eaten on their own. Salad people don't get this. They are a greedy folk.

If I saw a salad on the street I would punch it.