Thursday, October 27, 2011


You know what I hate? Soup. I have never finished a bowl of soup in my life and I never will. Why? Because soup doesn’t make any sense. Put hot water in a cup and I will drink it. Put noodles in a bowl and I will eat it. Combine them both in a bowl and dinner is ruined. It is impossible to eat and drink at the same time but soup thinks you can. Just have noodles, or just have water. Don’t be so greedy.

Nobody truly knows how to eat soup. Everyone dips their oversized spoons in and starts slurping, but people just make a mess and don’t finish. When I am served soup I excuse myself to read comics in a bookstore and then return once the soup has evaporated. People sometimes ask where I went but I am too mysterious to answer.

Nobody can describe the process of taking in soup. Do you eat soup? Do you drink soup? Do you slurp soup? Nobody has ever asked. People just say finish your soup and shutup for once. Even if you are making a good point about soup.

People like to put some real snazzy ingredients in their soups and try to give it to me. Here is a conversation that I have every day:

“Oh you’ll just love this!”

“What is it?”

“It’s soup with cranberries and wheatgrass and crab meat.”

“You’re wrong and I won’t eat it.”

“Just try it.”

“If I try it and don’t like it, will you make me something else?”

“No, all we have is soup because we haven’t put much effort into this meal.”

“Excuse me madam.” (Then I run to a bookstore)

I also hate soup because when you are sick, parents are always like "go have soup." So then you should say "Ah yes, nothing makes diseases go away like a hot bowl of shit. Bye!"

Chefs are always saying "soup or salad?" but what they are really saying is "trash or garbage?" If you are too lazy to go throw out your leaves and warm water you shouldn't have bought that restaurant.

Heated up water is something a baby would order.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Stuffy Nose

You know what I hate? Stuffy nose. It's weird and confusing. If my body is fighting germs why does it need to cut off my nose air and change my voice around. Since a germ is trying to start sickness you would think a brisk breeze quickly inhaled would move it around and make its job harder. But a body thinks "oh I'll just close up a nose hole and no more will get in." Wrong. The body has just created a whole area for the germ to live in where it won't be bothered by gusts. If I want to get rid of an unwanted guest I don't turn up the heat and start burning all my logs. I open the windows and throw crumbs out the door.

People think stuffy nose is a reason to not do things, but they are just looking for an excuse to be boring. Here are some places you can be while stuffy nosed:

1. Outdoors
2. Indoors
3. Carnivals

* If you also have a runny nose please stay from my carnival. You'll ruin it.

One of life's great mysteries is how no matter how many times you blow a stuffy nose it always fills up again. Even if you did it a million times in 10 minutes. Nothing else in nature does this. When a chicken lays an egg and a crocodile steals it, the chicken doesn't just immediately get filled up with a new egg. It needs to find a rooster and have it put a new egg in it. When a bee makes honey and a bear steals it, the bee doesn't just plop out more honey. It has to go to flowers to find more. Even when a fish makes seaweed, and then a chef grabs it for some gross salad, it takes hours for the fish to release more weed. I could go on and on!

I also hate how one nostril gets stuffed and then the other isn't. Then I have to watch people do that thing where they hold down one nostril and blow out the other. Those people are garbage.

One time in 7th grade this kid I know always had a stuffy nose. We all thought he was just a dirty maggot but he was actually sniffing rubber cement. Turns out he was a pretty cool guy.

I got this stuffy nose from petting too many dogs.