Thursday, October 27, 2011


You know what I hate? Soup. I have never finished a bowl of soup in my life and I never will. Why? Because soup doesn’t make any sense. Put hot water in a cup and I will drink it. Put noodles in a bowl and I will eat it. Combine them both in a bowl and dinner is ruined. It is impossible to eat and drink at the same time but soup thinks you can. Just have noodles, or just have water. Don’t be so greedy.

Nobody truly knows how to eat soup. Everyone dips their oversized spoons in and starts slurping, but people just make a mess and don’t finish. When I am served soup I excuse myself to read comics in a bookstore and then return once the soup has evaporated. People sometimes ask where I went but I am too mysterious to answer.

Nobody can describe the process of taking in soup. Do you eat soup? Do you drink soup? Do you slurp soup? Nobody has ever asked. People just say finish your soup and shutup for once. Even if you are making a good point about soup.

People like to put some real snazzy ingredients in their soups and try to give it to me. Here is a conversation that I have every day:

“Oh you’ll just love this!”

“What is it?”

“It’s soup with cranberries and wheatgrass and crab meat.”

“You’re wrong and I won’t eat it.”

“Just try it.”

“If I try it and don’t like it, will you make me something else?”

“No, all we have is soup because we haven’t put much effort into this meal.”

“Excuse me madam.” (Then I run to a bookstore)

I also hate soup because when you are sick, parents are always like "go have soup." So then you should say "Ah yes, nothing makes diseases go away like a hot bowl of shit. Bye!"

Chefs are always saying "soup or salad?" but what they are really saying is "trash or garbage?" If you are too lazy to go throw out your leaves and warm water you shouldn't have bought that restaurant.

Heated up water is something a baby would order.

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