Tuesday, June 26, 2012


You know what I hate? Pepper. Pepper doesn't just ruin meals, it sets fire to them and then melts your mouth off. I honestly don't even understand what it tastes like. Dirt? Ants? Metal? All I know is that it is spicy and bad. Everyone says they like it but I think they're lying to impress girls.

The worst part about pepper is that it's surprising. I'll look at some food and go "yum, what a treat" but then only after I taste it do I discover it was bathed in pepper sprinkles. By then my mouth is burning and I have to run to a fountain or a puddle because I don't drink water with meals. I drink warm milk like a cat.

Before I was smart I ordered pepper steak at a restaurant. At the time, I thought pepper steak was just a saying, like this steak really has some "pep" to it. Little did I know that some chef dipped my entire filet in a pepper vat and I was forced to throw it away. I went hungry that night. Very hungry indeed.

When waiters ask me if I want pepper on things at restaurants I snarl at them. I never get asked if I want extra ice cream or candy but waiters constantly offer to cover my food in flames. Maybe they want to ruin the chef's meal because they dreamed of being a chef once but then they didn't get into the food academy so they became jealous all the time.

Are people all playing a joke on me? Does everyone secretly hate pepper too? Will someone sneak pepper into my chips when I'm not looking? These are the questions that keep me up at night. I also wonder about birds.

I don't understand where pepper comes from. Steak comes from cows, cheese doodles are cheese plus doodle, and pepper is what? Ground up nuts with spice on them? No one has ever known.

I don't understand why salt got grouped with pepper. Salt is great. I can never have enough and I never do. Pepper is like a friendless bully that makes salt go everywhere with him and salt is too nice to resist.

Imagine how mad you would be if it rained pepper. Now think how food feels.

Fuck you pepper.

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