Pepper

You know what I hate? Pepper. Pepper doesn't just ruin meals, it sets fire to them and then melts your mouth off. I honestly don't even understand what it tastes like. Dirt? Ants? Metal? All I know is that it is spicy and bad. Everyone says they like it but I think they're lying to impress girls.

The worst part about pepper is that it's surprising. I'll look at some food and go "yum, what a treat" but then only after I taste it do I discover it was bathed in pepper sprinkles. By then my mouth is burning and I have to run to a fountain or a puddle because I don't drink water with meals. I drink warm milk like a cat.

Before I was smart I ordered pepper steak at a restaurant. At the time, I thought pepper steak was just a saying, like this steak really has some "pep" to it. Little did I know that some chef dipped my entire filet in a pepper vat and I was forced to throw it away. I went hungry that night. Very hungry indeed.

When waiters ask me if I want pepper on things at restaurants I snarl at them. I never get asked if I want extra ice cream or candy but waiters constantly offer to cover my food in flames. Maybe they want to ruin the chef's meal because they dreamed of being a chef once but then they didn't get into the food academy so they became jealous all the time.

Are people all playing a joke on me? Does everyone secretly hate pepper too? Will someone sneak pepper into my chips when I'm not looking? These are the questions that keep me up at night. I also wonder about birds.

I don't understand where pepper comes from. Steak comes from cows, cheese doodles are cheese plus doodle, and pepper is what? Ground up nuts with spice on them? No one has ever known.

I don't understand why salt got grouped with pepper. Salt is great. I can never have enough and I never do. Pepper is like a friendless bully that makes salt go everywhere with him and salt is too nice to resist.

Imagine how mad you would be if it rained pepper. Now think how food feels.

Fuck you pepper.

Soup

You know what I hate? Soup. I have never finished a bowl of soup in my life and I never will. Why? Because soup doesn’t make any sense. Put hot water in a cup and I will drink it. Put noodles in a bowl and I will eat it. Combine them both in a bowl and dinner is ruined. It is impossible to eat and drink at the same time but soup thinks you can. Just have noodles, or just have water. Don’t be so greedy.

Nobody truly knows how to eat soup. Everyone dips their oversized spoons in and starts slurping, but people just make a mess and don’t finish. When I am served soup I excuse myself to read comics in a bookstore and then return once the soup has evaporated. People sometimes ask where I went but I am too mysterious to answer.

Nobody can describe the process of taking in soup. Do you eat soup? Do you drink soup? Do you slurp soup? Nobody has ever asked. People just say finish your soup and shutup for once. Even if you are making a good point about soup.

People like to put some real snazzy ingredients in their soups and try to give it to me. Here is a conversation that I have every day:

“Oh you’ll just love this!”

“What is it?”

“It’s soup with cranberries and wheatgrass and crab meat.”

“You’re wrong and I won’t eat it.”

“Just try it.”

“If I try it and don’t like it, will you make me something else?”

“No, all we have is soup because we haven’t put much effort into this meal.”

“Excuse me madam.” (Then I run to a bookstore)

I also hate soup because when you are sick, parents are always like "go have soup." So then you should say "Ah yes, nothing makes diseases go away like a hot bowl of shit. Bye!"

Chefs are always saying "soup or salad?" but what they are really saying is "trash or garbage?" If you are too lazy to go throw out your leaves and warm water you shouldn't have bought that restaurant.

Heated up water is something a baby would order.

Stuffy Nose

You know what I hate? Stuffy nose. It's weird and confusing. If my body is fighting germs why does it need to cut off my nose air and change my voice around. Since a germ is trying to start sickness you would think a brisk breeze quickly inhaled would move it around and make its job harder. But a body thinks "oh I'll just close up a nose hole and no more will get in." Wrong. The body has just created a whole area for the germ to live in where it won't be bothered by gusts. If I want to get rid of an unwanted guest I don't turn up the heat and start burning all my logs. I open the windows and throw crumbs out the door.

People think stuffy nose is a reason to not do things, but they are just looking for an excuse to be boring. Here are some places you can be while stuffy nosed:

1. Outdoors

2. Indoors

3. Carnivals

* If you also have a runny nose please stay from my carnival. You'll ruin it.

One of life's great mysteries is how no matter how many times you blow a stuffy nose it always fills up again. Even if you did it a million times in 10 minutes. Nothing else in nature does this. When a chicken lays an egg and a crocodile steals it, the chicken doesn't just immediately get filled up with a new egg. It needs to find a rooster and have it put a new egg in it. When a bee makes honey and a bear steals it, the bee doesn't just plop out more honey. It has to go to flowers to find more. Even when a fish makes seaweed, and then a chef grabs it for some gross salad, it takes hours for the fish to release more weed. I could go on and on!

I also hate how one nostril gets stuffed and then the other isn't. Then I have to watch people do that thing where they hold down one nostril and blow out the other. Those people are garbage.

One time in 7th grade this kid I know always had a stuffy nose. We all thought he was just a dirty maggot but he was actually sniffing rubber cement. Turns out he was a pretty cool guy.

I got this stuffy nose from petting too many dogs.

Soda

You know what I hate? Soda. Regular brown soda, club soda, soda pop, whatever the hell Sprite is, soda is just the worst. It tastes syrupy and weird, and a bit like liquified candy which sounds great on paper but in reality stinks.

But the worst part about soda is its most inexplicable part: bubbles. There is no reason to put bubbles in any drink for any reason. Bubbles give people hiccups, and fill your throat with unneeded air, and make me take small tiny gulps and attempt to burp. You know what burping is? Your body saying "actually the amount of air I have now is sufficient, I don't need to drink extra air you stupid asshole."

Why would anyone think putting bubbles in a drink would make it better? Bubbles are tasteless and unnecessary. In fact this post would be about how much I hate bubbles except for the fact that bubbles in every other aspect of life are fun and hilarious. Kids always have fun blowing bubbles but only idiot children who dress in neon want to drink that bubble liquid.

Another thing horrible about soda is that people who have boring parties always say "there will be soda there, thus you can come over and drink it." Soda is not enough of a good reason to have a party. A good reason to have a party is because your parents are moving out of their house and they want you to have a big bonfire in their backyard made up of all their old furniture, and there's a huge trampoline that's not close to the bonfire, and also there is a ping pong table. A bad reason to have a party is because you bought Pepsi and Tostitos, even though Tostitos are pretty good.

Personally I am a milk man myself, in the sense that when I am not drinking water or booze I am drinking milk. Milk has never once made me hiccup because it knows it is delicious enough on its own, and doesn't need any ridiculous bells and whistles like soda does. If someone put bubbles in milk you would punch them or I would.

Here is a joke about soda that you can use:

What did soda say when it crossed the street?

Run me over, for I am garbage

Burp, burp, soda is for twerps.

Wind

You know what I hate? Wind. It blows at me too much and pushes me around like an invisible bully. I just want to walk down the street to buy peach Snapple but wind ruins my day and makes me punch at the air and look like a dumb boy.

A lot of people think wind is good because it cools you down when it is hot out. But what they're really saying is just that heat is bad. If it was always cold out like it should be nobody would like wind.

I also hate wind because it messes up hair. People like to take a little time out of their stupid day to coif their strands but wind doesn't care. It even makes bald people people seem balder because it picks their wisps up and throws them around. Bald people should hate wind but most probably like it because they are always sweating.

Most dogs hate wind because it blows their ear flaps up. And I agree with most dogs.

When I'm reading the newspaper outside and the wind folds it over on me and makes it hard to hold up that is complete garbage. I WANT TO READ ABOUT LIEV SCHREIBER WIND. Wind hates when people read because it thinks that nature is super interesting even though it isn't.

One time my friend Mokey took mushrooms and was feeling sick. Then a gust of wind blew at him and he felt better and said "it was like God sent that wind." What an idiot Mokey is.

The main problem with wind is that it's really insecure. I have only a slight problem with a gentle breeze but wind thinks it has something to prove so it blows my visor off even when I wear it backwards.

I hate the wind and the wind hates me.

Salad

You know what I hate? Salad. It tastes stupid and I have to use too many napkins when I'm munching on it. Whenever I am done with a salad here is my reaction:

"Well I'm glad those leaves are gone."

This has been said before but it bears repeating. Eating leaves is really dumb. It doesn't even matter how much sauce you put on them. P.S. Salad dressing should be called salad sauce because it's more accurate and grosser.

You know what has never been heard post salad ingestion? "Wow I'm satisfied." Because salads satisfy no one except makers of salads. People who make salads are always very proud of themselves for putting a bunch of random stuff in a bowl. Making salads is easy, I could make a million salads in 2 days if I wanted to but I hate salads so I won't.

Another horrible thing about salads is that they come before your meal thus extending the amount of time you have to spend in a restaurant. I want to be in and out of a restaurant in 30 minutes tops. But every time I go out to dinner some scoundrels will order a salad and make me wait extra time for my burger. Then I have to listen to them discuss their salad:

"I like this sauce do you?" "This sauce is great, but I really like these carrots." "Oh do you because I love to hear you munching on them." "I like to wipe my mouth with a napkin."

This conversation never ends. That is why I always bring a book or Magic cards to dinner, that way I can do something to drown out their insipid salad based ramblings.

When you are a kid you think a great meal would be candy and popcorn and chicken nuggets and hotdogs and burgers smushed together. Then you get older and try it a bunch of different times and realize things should be eaten on their own. Salad people don't get this. They are a greedy folk.

If I saw a salad on the street I would punch it.

Chinos

You know what I hate? Chinos. I hate them when they're baggy and I hate them when they're slim. I hate them when they have a crease or even at the gym. Boom - Poetry.

The reason why chinos are horrible is that they are pointless. If I need to wear a nice pair of pants I will put on jeans. You can wear jeans anywhere and look like a proper one.

Moms really like chinos and think you need to wear them to restaurants. But you don't. Jeans are famous enough now that you can wear them anywhere. Moms think that jeans mean that you are a slacker who doesn't work, but the problem with moms is that they are moms and don't realize that chinos make you look like a simple child who's really excited for 4th grade to start.

You know when you see some lummox ambling down the street dressed in a little shirt tucked into his chinos? You know how his penny loafers match his pants? You know how you have to cross the street to avoid his bulbous chin and beady eyes? Well good I'm glad we're on the same page and have common reactions to things. We should hang out.

Another stupid thing about chinos is their name. Chinos. What a stupid name that is. Some people call them khakis which I also hate. They should be called brown pants. Or brownies. But I wouldn't want to ruin something great like actual brownies by making me think of chinos when I'm eating them. So let's stick with brown pants. Here is a way to respond to someone when you see them wearing chinos.

"Nice brown pants you miserable piece of human garbage."

I'm throwing out my old chinos.

Saltwater

You know what I hate? Saltwater. What a waste of water saltwater is. The earth is covered with giant awesome water pools, but you can't drink it, and it crinkles your skin, and makes your cuts burn. What a joke that is. Why can't fish just swim in regular good water? Probably because fish hate us. And the biggest screw you that fish do to us is that some fish do live in real water. But a bunch of asshole fish couldn't handle it so now I have to suffer.

All I do when I'm at the beach is stare at a bunch of water that I want to drink. This makes me very mad. When I go to the ice cream store I stare at a bunch of ice cream that I want to eat and then I do. Saltwater makes me look like an idiot.

Also saltwater is always too cold even in the summer. All I want to do is cool off and instead I am frozen solid the minute I step in it. Being hot and frozen at the same time is not easy to do but saltwater pulls it off and then adds making my cuts burn. Everything about the beach is designed to make me want to go in the water, and everything about the water is designed to make me leave it.

I really have nothing against most fish, but it pisses me off that they always swim away when I try to touch them. They're so arrogant. But I blame the saltwater for this more than the fish. Saltwater made them think they are better than me, so they won't let me pet them. I think we can all agree that going into a warm ocean with no salt in order to pet a bunch of fish would be awesome, but saltwater won't let us. What an outrage that is.

The more I think about saltwater, the angrier I get.

Sunscreen

You know what I hate? Sunscreen. I hate putting it on, I hate wearing it, I hate buying it, and I hate looking at people who have it on. I just want to go to the beach, and not have to worry about some stupid star reddening my cheeks. Thus I don't wear sunscreen. In order to teach the star and my skin a lesson.

Everyone likes to share what SPF they wear with the world. "I like 30, that keeps the sun off me" some jerk would say. Or "I'm a 45 man," some cretin will offer. Or even "I like 60, cuz I'm a silly old biddy," some biddy will declare. All these people stink because no one knows what they're talking about. Except me.

Here is a guide for what the different SPFs mean:

15 - Wear a hat

30 - Stay inside

45 - Never leave

People should just go in the sun and get burnt. Your skin will slowly get used to it. And even if it doesn't it will help future generations by weeding getting burnt out of our DNA. Science!

You know who doesn't wear sunscreen? Dogs. Because they don't give a shit. Even hairless dogs never wear sunscreen.

If you believe in God you must realize that God made the sun to burn cheeks, and that man made sunscreen as an act of war against God. So you probably shouldn't wear it. If you don't believe in God then why wear sunscreen, because nothing matters.

I'd rather be burnt than greasy.

Screw you sunscreen.

Picnics

You know what I hate? Picnics. Picnics are a waste of time and energy. I don't understand why in order to have lunch I need to go sit in the dirt with a bunch of squirrels. If you ever go on a picnic with me you will hear me complain about the following things:

Heat

Grass

Morons

Squirrels

A much better way to have lunch is indoors by yourself with the air conditioning on. This way you can do what you want and bugs and squirrels won't try to steal whatever you are eating. Although in your case it is probably an omelette which even bugs wouldn't like.

When someone asks you if you would like to have a picnic here is how you should respond:

"I would like to go on a picnic with you but I have something better to do and that is anything."

This doesn't help spare their feelings, but you won't be asked to go on any more picnics. They will also probably tell people that you have a lot going on in your life. This is because picnic people don't understand regular people.

Picnic people don't always give up easily. They tell you, "Oh it will be so fun, we'll have food, and soda, and blankets, and probably something dumb like a salad." I don't like that stuff. It would be much more enticing if they said there would be "video games, and carnival rides and fireworks that you were allowed to use by yourself." That is a picnic I would go on.

Don't invite me to picnics.

Omelettes

You know what I hate? Omelettes. They are the worst. Here's the idea: let's take something awesome - scrambled eggs - and totally mess it up by throwing a bunch of nonsense inside them. If you like tomatoes go ahead and eat them, just don't put them in my eggs.

Here's what should be on every menu at a restaurant that serves breakfast:

scrambled eggs with toast

milk

If you want to screw up the great menu mentioned above with a bunch of stupid omelettes than fine. But make sure I can get my stuff too. People who work at restaurants are too proud of their menus. Here is a conversation that takes place between restaurant people:

"Hey the new menus arrived today."

"Great. Did you do what I told you to do and put a bunch of stupid, exotic garbage like omelettes filled with bark, dirt and tomatoes?"

"Yes."

(They kiss)

Here's a tip. If a baby would like the food - put it on the menu. Babies have good taste in food. Mainly because their palettes haven't been poisoned by food that no one should like. If you gave a baby an omelette it would cry and scream.

I hate omelettes too.

Sleep

You know what I hate? Sleep. Sleep is a waste of time that could be spent doing awesome stuff. Instead I have to go to bed, and go to sleep, and wake up to a bright shiny day that I want no part of.

People are too happy about going to sleep. They put on their little clothes and their little snooze hat and rest their stupid head on their dumb pillow. They think they can just sleep it up any time they want. But I don't like that. They should stay up and do stuff with me. I hate going to sleep because I am a lot of fun.

Here is a list of things we could do together if you didn't go to sleep:

Yarn games

Hose fights

Contraption Construction

Street Bowling

Leaf Ripping

Mincing and Munching

These things are all fun, but you need more than one person. Maybe if you didn't waste so much time sleeping we could hang out at 3AM and do them, but you probably won't. In a way this is all on you.

Beep, beep, I don't like sleep.

Slippers

You know what I hate? Slippers. Slippers are the worst. They are pointless and dumb. "Look at me slipping around in some slippers" is something people wearing slippers would say. They might also say "I am just lounging around in slippers because my feet are cold." What an asshole that person is. Here's an idea - just put on some socks. Socks are something that I do not hate. In fact socks are one of my favorite things in the world. They would never just slip off your feet. They are made to stay on, like all good footwear. Also, everyone looks better in a nice pair of sturdy socks.

Slipper wearing folk think that socks are bad because they can't wear them outside. Or even that they don't want to get them dirty. Here is how to respond when slipper people make these points

a) Wear shoes when going outside

b) Stop walking around in dirt

Slipper people all have tremendous egos, so they probably will not listen to this advice. But you should tell them this every time you see them.

To sum up:

1. Slippers are dumb

2. Socks are great

3. People who wear slippers are assholes

I really hate slippers.