Thursday, July 29, 2010


You know what I hate? Saltwater. What a waste of water saltwater is. The earth is covered with giant awesome water pools, but you can't drink it, and it crinkles your skin, and makes your cuts burn. What a joke that is. Why can't fish just swim in regular good water? Probably because fish hate us. And the biggest screw you that fish do to us is that some fish do live in real water. But a bunch of asshole fish couldn't handle it so now I have to suffer.

All I do when I'm at the beach is stare at a bunch of water that I want to drink. This makes me very mad. When I go to the ice cream store I stare at a bunch of ice cream that I want to eat and then I do. Saltwater makes me look like an idiot.

Also saltwater is always too cold even in the summer. All I want to do is cool off and instead I am frozen solid the minute I step in it. Being hot and frozen at the same time is not easy to do but saltwater pulls it off and then adds making my cuts burn. Everything about the beach is designed to make me want to go in the water, and everything about the water is designed to make me leave it.

I really have nothing against most fish, but it pisses me off that they always swim away when I try to touch them. They're so arrogant. But I blame the saltwater for this more than the fish. Saltwater made them think they are better than me, so they won't let me pet them. I think we can all agree that going into a warm ocean with no salt in order to pet a bunch of fish would be awesome, but saltwater won't let us. What an outrage that is.

The more I think about saltwater, the angrier I get.

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